Learn from a master: Dickens.
A Tale of Two Cities. (Charles Dickens)
The Dover mail was in its usual genial position that the
guard suspected the passengers, the passengers suspected one another and the
guard, they all suspected everybody else, and the coachman was sure of nothing
but the horses; as to which cattle he could with a clear conscience have taken
his oath on the two Testaments that they were not fit for the journey.
"Wo-ho!" said the coachman.
"So, then! One more pull and you're at the top and be damned to you, for I
have had trouble enough to get you to it!—Joe!"
"Halloa!" the guard
replied.
"What o'clock do you make it,
Joe?"
"Ten minutes, good, past
eleven."
"My blood!" ejaculated the
vexed coachman, "and not atop of Shooter's yet! Tst! Yah! Get on with
you!"
The emphatic horse, cut short by the
whip in a most decided negative, made a decided scramble for it, and the three
other horses followed suit. Once more, the Dover mail struggled on, with the
jack-boots of its passengers squashing along by its side. They had stopped when
the coach stopped, and they kept close company with it. If any one of the three
had had the hardihood to propose to another to walk on a little ahead into the
mist and darkness, he would have put himself in a fair way of getting shot
instantly as a highwayman.
The last burst carried the mail to
the summit of the hill. The horses stopped to breathe again, and the guard got
down to skid the wheel for the descent, and open the coach-door to let the
passengers in.
"Tst! Joe!" cried the
coachman in a warning voice, looking down from his box.
"What do you say, Tom?"
They both listened.
"I say a horse at a canter
coming up, Joe."
"I say a horse at a
gallop, Tom," returned the guard, leaving his hold of the door, and
mounting nimbly to his place. "Gentlemen! In the king's name, all of you!"
With this hurried adjuration, he
cocked his blunderbuss, and stood on the offensive.
Note how he uses
a mixture of action, description and dialogue. Don’t be put off by how the
characters speak – we don’t really know exactly how they spoke then but this is
probably reasonably similar. The dialogue takes place in real time. It moves
the plot forward. It develops some minor characters.
Some thoughts about showing / telling
Showing creates a sense of time. Time and place combine to
make a setting. We’re trying to transfer the film from our head into the heads
of our readers. We possibly slow down a little as we get into the protagonists
mind. However, if we get the point of view right this does not compromise our
opportunity to show instead of tell.
Kevin Brooks’ Lucas
In this short passage protagonist Caitlin and her father watch a girl
almost drown:
The girl was managing to keep herself
afloat by flapping her arms like windmills, but I could see she was beginning
to tire. Every time a wave broke, her head went under. I looked down at the
people on the beach and the cliffs. They were all just standing and watching.
“Why aren’t they
doing anything?” I cried.
Dad put his hand to his mouth and hollered. “Hey! Help her. She needs help! She can’t
swim. Hey! HEY!”
His words were
drowned out by the roar of the wind and the sea. The people below just carried
on watching, some of them casually pointing out to see as if it was all just
part of the show.
Meanwhile the girl
was being swept towards the rocks. (116-17)
The narrator is showing and telling. We look through Caitlin’s eyes – “just” shows
it is her opinion. She shows us enough so that we can make our own minds up. We
see a film of the girl flaying about in the water in real time. Notice, we zoom
out to onlookers. The scene is mainly a combination of action and dialogue. It
uses senses: we see and hear what Caitlin sees and hears. Further use of “just”
and “meanwhile” break continuity a little.
Melvin Burgess: Hunger
The wind had turned cold and it was
trying to rain – a normal Manchester night. But the world had changed. They ran
home glancing behind them. Louis held on to his sister’s arm and kept repeating
her name.
“Beth ….Beth, you
OK? I’m with you Beth …Beth?” He made her look at him and nod. He kept it up
until he felt foolish and stopped, but she begged him to keep speaking her name
all the way. They were half way back when Ivan stopped and grabbed hold of
Louis by his coat. “What the fuck was that?” he begged. “What have I done? I
killed someone, didn’t I?
“It wasn’t a
person,” said Beth.
“Then what was
it?”
“I don’t know.
They stopped on
the street and looked at each other. What had they met? What had they
done? (116)
This book was produced in association
with Hammer House of Horror – there’s a clue! It is fast-paced from the beginning. It starts
with some telling about the Manchester rain. There is quite a bit of
description here though Burgess writes with the senses. Then the action becomes continuous action:
filmic, perhaps? We see them running. We have some dialogue. Could he have used
more? The fear and dread give this passage high stakes.
Anne Cassidy: Looking for JJ
On the morning of her birthday Rosie
woke her up with a birthday card and a present.
“Here,
sleepyhead.”
Alice opened her
eyes and looked up at Rosie. She had her dark suit on and the white striped
blouse she always wore with it. Her hair was tied back, off her face, making
her look serious and stern. Instead of her usual hanging earrings she was
wearing gold studs. It was not the way Rosie liked to dress.
“Don’t tell me
you’re off to court today!” Alice said, stretching her arms out, ruffling her
fingers through her own short hair.
“You guessed it!”
Rosie said. “Here, take this, birthday girl.”
Alice took the
present while Rosie walked to the window and pushed it open. A light breeze
wafted in, lifting the net curtains. Alice pulled the duvet tight, up to her neck.
“Do you want to
freeze me to death?” she said jokingly.
Rosie took no
notice. She loved fresh air. She spent a lot of time opening windows and Alice
spent a lot of time closing them.
Inside the
wrapping paper was a small box, the kind that held jewellery. For a moment
Alice was worried. Rosie’s taste in jewellery was a bit too arty for her. She
lifted the lid off gingerly and saw a pair of tiny gold earrings.
“These are
lovely,” Alice said and felt a strange lump in her throat. (5-6)
Cassidy uses a third person close
narrative. We are firmly in Alice’s point of view.
Alice
decides it is her birthday and notices that Rosie is in her dark suit so that
must mean she’s in court. The dialogue is in real time. Much of passage is in
dialogue. Cassidy makes good use of senses: sight, hearing, feeling (both
senses). Note, Cassidy does not tell us Alice has difficulty waking – we see
this!
Teri Terry: Fractured
Dr Lysander smiles, so she is in a
good mood.
“Good morning,
Kyla. What is on your mind today?
“Are lorders
human?” I cringe after I say it; I was so busy studying her lorder guard, I
hadn’t prepared what to say.
“What?” She
laughs. “Oh, Kyla, I do enjoy our talks. Of course they are.”
“Well, I know
they’re human. That isn’t what I
meant, exactly.”
“Please explain.”
“Are they
ordinary: do they have pets, hobbies? Do they play musical instruments or go to
dinner parties? Or do they just march about scowling all the time?”
She half smiles.
“I expect they have lives beyond those that we see. But now that you mention
it, I’ve never had one over for dinner, unless you count the one guarding the
door.”
“You get guarded
having dinner?”
“I get guarded
most places these days. But this isn’t about me.”
“Well, I don’t
get guarded. I get ignored and scowled at.” Kidnapped and offered impossible
deals. I stuff the thought down before it can show on my face, but she doesn’t
seem to notice, and turns to her screen. Taps at it a moment and then looks up.
Watching me very
carefully. “Have you had any more memories? Or dreams you thought were real.”
“I might have
done.” (230)
Note, there is plenty of pace in the
novel but also space for slower real time scenes such as this. The conversation
is carefully crafted and unhurried but the pace is not lost because of it. There
are high stakes: we know what is behind this. We could take out dialogue tags
and reshuffle the lines but we would probably still knew who said what.
There is some action from the doctor
(turning the screen). There are some
inner thoughts from Kyla. The passage is in mainly in filmic real time.
Sarwat Chadda: Devil’s Kiss
Billy could barely look at her dad as
she came in. “He’s gone, thanks to you.”
“People like that
only complicate things.”
“People like
what?”
“Like that.
Boyfriends.”
Billi turned
abruptly and faced the sink, hoping her dad couldn’t see the tell-tale redness
of her face.
“He’s only a
friend.”
Arthur just looked
at her. “Elaine told me what happened.”
He put down his knife. “Are you all right.”
Billi almost
fainted with shock. Was her dad being “concerned”? Her tongue momentarily died
on her. She nodded.
“Good. I need you
focussed. There’s work to do,” he said.
How stupid. Not
concerned at all. He was just worried she wouldn’t be fighting fit.
“Nothing ever
matters to you except this bloody Order.” Billy grabbed the side of the sink,
digging her nails into the wood, trying hard not to explode. “You don’t want me
to have anything else, do you?”
There is
tension: Billy strives to be normal and thereby brings herself into more
danger.
This really
has a lot of themes: teen rebellion, fast-paced adventure and some involvement
with the paranormal. This scene grounds us as it is mainly in real time
dialogue. The father develops: he becomes more concerned as the dialogue
progresses. We have action: Billy turns to the sink. Emotion is shown through
action here.
Some tools for showing
·
Use
real time
·
Use
dialogue
·
Show
us emotions
·
Don’t
confuse inner monologue with that author’s voice. Anything that goes on inside
the character’s head generally uses the same voice as the character.
·
Don’t
show and tell.
Transforming a passage
We’ll now look at transforming a passage that tells into one that shows.
The others are at the camp when we
get back. The fire’s just about still going. Todd demands what’s happened and
we explain. I ask to speak to him alone. He sets off and I go to follow him.
Grace tries to stop me but I shake her off.
I tell Todd we’re should break up. That we shouldn’t be together just
because we both come from messed up families.
Now, we’ll look at adding one ingredient at a time,
and show how this extract can be enhanced.
First of all, let’s add some action:
The others are all sitting round the
fire when we get back. The fire’s just about still going. Todd jumps up and
demands what’s happened and we explain. I ask to speak to him alone. He sets
off and I go to follow him. Grace tries to stop me but I shake my head at her.
Todd won’t turn round and face me at first. I tell Todd we’re should break up.
That we shouldn’t be together just because we both come from messed up
families. My mouth is dry and I can barely swallow. He spins round to face me.
Already we have more emotional engagement. The text is
livelier. We still have some way to go, however. Next, we’ll add in some
dialogue.
The others are all sitting round the
fire when we get back. The fire’s just about still going.
“Where did you
go?” Todd says, jumping to his feet as soon as he sees us.
“She was just sat
down by the rocks,” Jenna says quickly.
“Alone.”
Jenna frowns.
“Maybe we should all go to bed.”
“I need to talk to
Todd,” I say, still looking straight at him.
“Okay,” says Todd,
hesitantly.
“Grace,” Jenna
whispers urgently. But I shake my head
at her and go after Todd.
“So, what’s up?”
Todd says. He doesn’t turn round though.
“I – I don’t think
that you should go out any more.”
“He spins round to
face me. “What?”
“I just don’t
think we have enough in common. I mean I did to begin with, when you told me
about your sister and-”
“What’s Ingrid got
to do with it?”
It’s really coming along now. We have more sense of how the characters feel
and behave because they show us through dialogue. Now we can give it a firmer sense of time and
place.
The others are all sitting round the
fire when we get back. The fire’s just about still going.
“Where did you
go?” Todd says jumping to his feet as soon as he sees us.
“She was just sat
down by the rocks,” Jenna says quickly.
“Alone.”
Jenna frowns.
“Maybe we should all go to bed.”
“I need to talk to
Todd,” I say, still looking straight at him.
“Okay,” says Todd,
hesitantly. Then he walks past me and starts heading towards the beach.
“Grace,” Jenna
whispers urgently. But I shake my head
at her and go after Todd.
“So, what’s up?”
Todd says, coming to a standstill by the HELP sign. He doesn’t turn round
though.
“I – I don’t think
that you should go out any more.”
“He spins round to
face me. “What?”
“I just don’t
think we have enough in common. I mean I did to begin with, when you told me
about your sister and-”
“What’s Ingrid got
to do with it?”
The reader will know the setting but the mention of
the beach and the HELP sign reminds us. What the setting actually means to the
characters at the time is enhanced by some writing with the senses.
Back at what’s left of the camp the
others are all sitting around the fire staring at the dying flames.
“Where did you
go?” Todd says jumping to his feet as soon as he sees us.
“She was just sat
down by the rocks,” Jenna says quickly.
“Alone.”
Jenna frowns.
“Maybe we should all go to bed.”
“I need to talk to
Todd,” I say, still looking straight at him.
“Okay,” says Todd,
hesitantly. Then he walks past me and starts heading towards the beach.
“Grace,” Jenna
whispers urgently. But I shake my head
at her and go after Todd.
“So, what’s up?”
Todd says, coming to a standstill by the HELP sign. He doesn’t turn round
though.
“I – I don’t think
that you should go out any more.”
“He spins round to
face me. “What?”
“I just don’t
think we have enough in common. I mean I did to begin with, when you told me
about your sister and-”
“What’s Ingrid got
to do with it?”
The addition of the detail about the campfire gives us
something to look at possibly to hear, certainly to smell and here we have
feelings in both senses. “What is left of the camp” reminds us that the camp is
not working very well at this time. The others staring into the dying flames gives
us a physical detail but also shows us how they feel emotionally.
A final enhancement is adding a little inner monologue
so that we keep the connection with the protagonist. Thus we have:
Back at what’s left of the camp the
others are all sitting around the fire staring at the dying flames.
“Where did you
go?” Todd says jumping to his feet as soon as he sees us.
He looks at me
questioningly.
“She was just sat
down by the rocks,” Jenna says quickly.
“Alone.”
Jenna frowns.
“Maybe we should all go to bed.”
“I need to talk to
Todd,” I say, still looking straight at him.
“Okay,” says Todd,
hesitantly. Then he walks past me and starts heading towards the beach.
“Grace,” Jenna
whispers urgently. But I shake my head
at her and go after Todd.
“So, what’s up?”
Todd says, coming to a standstill by the HELP sign. He doesn’t turn round
though.
“I – I don’t think
that you should go out any more.” My throat is suddenly so dry that I can
barely swallow.
“He spins round to
face me. “What?”
“I just don’t
think we have enough in common. I mean I did to begin with, when you told me
about your sister and-”
“What’s Ingrid got
to do with it?” He stares at me like I’m crazy.
This passage actually comes from Siobhan Curham’s Shipwrecked. (194-95), published by
Egmont in 2013. So this scene and others like it have passed the
gatekeeper.
Creative Writing Exercise
Revisit your bullet-point plot
outline again. Spread it across a whole sheet of paper. Identify a scene you
want to write today. Summarise it in a
short paragraph. Write out the scene “showing” us. However, you can also include some inner
monologue. Check to see whether you have enough of the following
ingredients:
·
action
·
dialogue
·
a
firm sense of time and place
·
appeal
to the senses
·
inner
monologue.
Check
for one ingredient at a time.
