Friday, 10 January 2025

A True Friend by Yurii Tokar (Critique)

 


A true friend[GJ1] .

  He was born in Sevastopol in 1966, but Vasia came to Dnipropetrovsk in 1981 with his mother, father and brother. A not very tall and skinny boy [GJ2] started studying in the same class as me. We became university students after finishing school. Vasia and I had almost the same height, weight, and mass. But not everything in the world is measured in numbers. We felt an elusive unity of our souls from the first days of communication and therefore became friends quickly. Our[GJ3]  common interests were chess, cycling, watching movies and reading books.Vasya [GJ4] could play the accordion, and did not swear. He did not smoke or drink alcohol in his youth.

  We told each other about new books sometimes. For example, when Vasya read the story written by Venedikt Erofeev "Moscow-Petushki", it excited him very much. This is a sad story about the last few hours of a drunkard's life. Maybe this book was sent by Heaven as a warning for us? But do we always listen to the voices of Heaven[GJ5] ?

  Time passed[GJ6] .

   Vasya and I graduated from university in 1988 and it seemed that our paths might diverge. I left to teach mathematics at a rural school near Kyiv. My friend stayed in Dnepropetrovsk. In 1991 the Soviet Union collapsed. Many destinies were broken along with the country. Times were hard and life forced Vasya to go into business[GJ7] . He didn't want to work as a teacher. Several years have passed, but it seemed like one day.                   

  Once upon an evening[GJ8] , I heard a knock on my door. Vasya was standing on the threshold. He had come to Kyiv on business and decided to stay with me for a few days. My friend was going to leave soon, but... a chance meeting with a woman (if you still believe in chance) changed his plans. Her name was Tatiana. She was the mother of three children. A few weeks later, they got married. Does time run fast, or does time go slowly[GJ9] ?

  We [GJ10] began to live in a village called Byshev. There was an incredibly beautiful lake in the center of the village. Simple people and hopes for a bright future walked along the wide streets of Byshev at that time. But two years later, I was appointed headmaster of a school in another settlement, and I left Byshev. Vasya became a villager, but it was not his life. He learned to dig potatoes and earn money, but it is difficult to play a flute melody on the double bass.[GJ11] 

  Wine, vodka, or cognac can make the black-and-white world colorful for a while. But if you drink alcohol every day, the colorful world can become black. 

  I don’t know how Vasya fell down the stairs and hit his head on a summer's day. Ambulance, hospital, surgeon, operation, and then disability. My friend stopped walking. He couldn't control his legs. Vasya was bedridden[GJ12] . 

  Sometimes he was taken for walks in a wheelchair. On a hot summer day, August 6, Tatyana took him out into the yard. Vasya's birthday was on August 7. 

  Tatyana slowly rolled the wheelchair along the bright green rustling grass and heard her husband say something quietly. 

  - What? - she asked. 

  - I’m saying that it would be funny, - Vasya answered, - if my gravestone reads: ‘born on August 7, died on August 7.’ Please, Tanya, do a black marble slab for me and let a monument to the lost ships that stands in Sevastopol Bay be engraved on it.

  Confused by what she heard, Vasya’s wife stopped, froze, and didn’t know what to say. But then she asked, “Vasya, are you crazy?” My friend just shrugged.

  He liked to joke about himself, but Vasya didn't like mean jokes about anyone. Once, after he had an injury, a charity organization presented him with an old wheelchair. There was an inscription on the back of the wheelchair: "Last way." Nobody knows what those words mean; it may have been the name of the charity organization. Vasya told all his friends about it and laughed loudly.

  He died on the morning of August 7th[GJ13] .

  Vasya loved life. I think about him often and remember a story he told me in our school years. My friend liked to dive headfirst into the water in the river, in the pool, and at sea. When he was 12,[GJ14]  his classmate in Sevastopol jumped off a cliff into the sea headfirst on a wild beach. The boys jumped into the water from that cliff many times.

  But that day, the boy broke his head on a stone that the underwater current brought at night and died. Since then, Vasya understood that you can jump into the water headfirst only if you can see the bottom. 

  When did evil vodka appear in his life? Who can know? 

  My friend played the button accordion well because he graduated from a music school. When we were first-year students at the university, we celebrated someone's birthday with the whole group in the dormitory. Vasya played a lot, and the students applauded him. Suddenly, one of them suggested, 

  - I'll put a glass of vodka on the accordion. Can you drink it without stopping playing? 

  Vasya did it[GJ15] . 

  People often think that they are stronger than alcoholic drinks. This is not true. Vodka can defeat a person and ruin his life. It can even kill him later. 

  It is hard not to get lost in the forest of life. The path that leads to a sunny clearing is very similar to the path that leads to dark, dense thickets. Kind people often find themselves on an evil path[GJ16] .

  What is kindness? Vasya had many interesting books at home, and in our childhood, it was difficult to find interesting books in bookstores. For example, novels by Alexander Dumas or Jules Verne, or even Soviet books from the "War Adventures" series. My friend allowed us to read his books. He always shared the candies that his mother gave him for school, but he never shared secrets with other people.

  A true friend is a reliable friend. Why did the passions for chess, books, mathematics, cycling, swimming, tennis, and music dissolve in the cognac-vodka deception? I can't answer this question[GJ17] [GJ18] .

 Yurii Tokar, 2024, Ukraine

 

 

 


 [GJ1]You have used web formatting her and indeed your work is going to be posted on a web page. However, normal submission etiquette is double space and indent new paragraphs. .  

 [GJ2]An interesting way to introduce him.

 [GJ3]Watch your spacing a little. You’re tending to run sentences together,

 [GJ4]Space missing between sentences

 [GJ5]Quite a thought.

 [GJ6]This short phrase breaks the text up nicely.

 [GJ7]Interesting perspective on the collapse of the Soveit Union.

 [GJ8]Slightly awkward. Why not just ‘One evening’

 [GJ9]Interesting point.

 [GJ10]You, your friend and his wife or is the ‘we’ someone else. 

 [GJ11]An effective metaphor

 [GJ12]Literally and metaphorically falling down.

 [GJ13]So, his premonition was correct. Rather chilling,

 [GJ14]You should write numbers up to 100 as word in most cases.

 [GJ15]So, this was the start of it.

 [GJ16]More interesting metaphors.

 [GJ17]An effective summary

 [GJ18]This is an engaging and rather sad portrait of a friend. We feel some empathy for both characters.

Saturday, 14 December 2024

Writing Prompt: Mobility Aids


 

Think stair lift, Zimmer frame, walking stick, mobility scooter etc. Write an account of someone who has to gradually get used to mobility aids or about someone who slowly learns to let go of any aids.  Or maybe you could create a character who finds new freedom through having a mobility aid.

 

How will you do your research?

  • You could talk to someone who uses a mobility aid
  • You could try living with one yourself.
  • Use that powerful writer’s tool – using what you know of life to inform you what this might be like.
  • Use all of the above.

Will your story be glass half empty or glass half full?  

 

Tuesday, 12 November 2024

Karma is a Witch by Oluseyi Ogunbanwo Joseph


 

Karma is a Witch[GJ1] [GJ2] 

 

He woke up with a start, sweating[GJ3] . His heart was beating like the noise of a malfunctioning engine[GJ4] .

A dream or a hypnosis, could it have been his ghost? Could it have been his imagination[GJ5] , the sound, or is it his host?

 

He sprang up from the bed. Again, the sound was familiar, disturbing. Sure, it's the strange being again, this time troubling. Something glided past the window; it looked real. Could it be him, or were they up to a dozen? A cold sweat ran down his spine, as he stood frozen

'Caleb, are you okay?' a[GJ6]  calm voice interjected the tense atmosphere, jerking him back to reality.

 

He swerved round and grabbed his host ' I saw him! He has a murderous intention! He wants to make me a causality'

 

'Who?' queried his Sister, alarmed.[GJ7] 

'Kareem!', he blurted out, shivering and frantically looking around him. ' I[GJ8]  swear I did!'

 

'But that's not possible. Kareem is dead', Sarah replied, astonished.

 

'Listen, Sarah, I saw him holding his neck, blood all over him.'[GJ9]  He seems to be seeking revenge.'

Then dropping to his knees, holding her hand, he pleaded, [GJ10] 'Don't let him kill me, Sarah, do all you can to save me from him'.

[GJ11] 

'Why would he seek your life when you were acquitted of his murder?'

'Acquitted by man but not by conscience Sarah. Since Kareem's demise, I have lived under a morbid fear that he's coming back'. He replied sweating profusely[GJ12] .

'There you go again', she snapped at him, withdrawing her hands from his hold. [GJ13] 'it's[GJ14]  just not possible; this guy is dead and cannot in any way come to life again, or do the dead live among the living?'. She demanded as she lowered herself in the chair next to her.

 

Caleb stood up and walked cautiously [GJ15] to the window as if expecting to see someone there. He raised the curtain, poked his head outside, looked at both sides, and retreated. 'I bet I saw him', he muttered aloud.

 

Sarah watched him like a man going senile. Her brother had been a dignified cop until he retired last year. He had won many laurels in Sharpville District as a gallant police officer. But the issue of Kareem Khalid's murder, a public protester, nearly soiled his garment[GJ16]  of professionalism.

 

The prosecution could not prove that Inspector Caleb Johnson's manhandling of Kareem ultimately led to the poor teenager's death. Though


the court upheld the fact that Kareem was asthmatic, it found no correlation between his manhandling and the cause of his death. The coroner's report showed Kareem died of exhaustion. The prosecution could not even prove a manslaughter case.

 

But Kareem's mother, Katherine, could not be swayed. She just couldn't separate her only child's death from the brutality of the mean officer. She walked up to the grinning cop after the infamous court judgment[GJ17] .

 

'You have nothing to fear if you ain't got a hand in my baby's death', she stressed with an obvious rage. [GJ18] 'but [GJ19] brace up for the consequences of your actions if you did. Kareem's ghost will haunt you and yours like a witch until karma is extracted!'

 

It appeared the woman's threat began to work.

 

Two weeks later the Officer[GJ20]  lost his only daughter in a bizarre circumstance. His wife had left the baby in their car to purchase groceries at a nearby shop when a teenager rammed a car into the stationary car. The toddler died instantly. It was alleged a brake failure. The mother couldn't survive the shock. She gave up a week later in the hospital while under intensive care.

 

"It's him, the witch!' muttered Caleb as he glanced over his wife's body in the hospital. He consequently lost his mind. After months in the infirmary, Caleb was released to Sarah, his younger sibling, and has since lived under her watchful eye.

 

'Are you now certain there is no one there?' inquired [GJ21] Sarah, feeling sorry for his troubled brother.[GJ22] 

 

Caleb stood in the middle of the room and ran his hand through his hair as if contemplating what to say. His present challenge had taken its toil [GJ23] on his frame. His once tall, imposing figure has been reduced him to a dull, ponderous, pachyderm appearance.

 

He pulled a chair and sat facing his sister. 'Listen, Sarah, I'm dealing with a stubborn witch.'[GJ24]  His mother cursed me right in the court premises, don't you understand?'

 

'No, I don't', returned Sarah, looking straight into his eyes. [GJ25] 'Now let me tell you what I understand: A gallant officer falsely accused of murder,[GJ26] 

completely acquitted by the court but fell to the cheap blackmail of the victim's mother. This is a mind game, Caleb. How could you have been so conscientious of that woman's bluff? You lost your dignity, your charisma, your peace!'

 

Rising from his seat, Caleb moved to the window again. He turned and shook his head.

'If only you know what I'm going through,' he submitted gravely,[GJ27]  'but I think you know that this is beyond anyone!'. [GJ28] Then, moving close to her and raising his voice, he said, 'I was cursed by that woman. She believed I killed her son!'.[GJ29] 


You didn't kill him, did you?' inquired Sarah, perusing her brother's face.[GJ30] 

 

'Did I[GJ31]  ?', returned Caleb thoughtfully. 'I didn't. I only hit his nape'.

 

'But you never said once you hit him. Rather, you have always admitted you never beat him[GJ32] .

 

He shifted his gaze from his sister, reflected for some time, and looked into space as if he were trying to recollect the moment.

 

'Yeah, I did hit him'. He confessed. [GJ33] 'He was struggling violently to break free from my grip and I needed to keep him in check. It was a fatal blow to his neck.

 

'But the coroner's report....' Sarah hazarded, alarmed.[GJ34] 

'Yeah...I had to speak to Carlos', he interposed solemnly[GJ35] . 'Understand Sarah...I needed a bailout; it's all that I had, all that I worked for

 

Sarah rose from her chair too stunned to speak. [GJ36] She had resolutely defended her brother in several fora and interviews, asserting his innocence[GJ37] 

 

Suddenly Caleb rose, with a fixed gaze towards the window, almost transfixed.

"There he is!', [GJ38] he exclaimed[GJ39] , retreating, pointing at the window. 'can't you see him? Look at him holding his neck!'

Sarah glanced at the window but saw nothing.

 

'I told you he wants my life!',[GJ40]  resumed Caleb, in a perplexing state. Then, addressing the invisible object, he blurted, 'You ain't gonna kill me as you killed my wife and daughter. I didn't kill you! I only hit you on the nape [GJ41] and that's not the cause of your death. Get off me now, or else I will break your skull!'

He grabbed the teacup on the table and aimed at his invisible adversary. The cup hit the window glass and the whole thing came crashing down.

 

His bewildered sister could only gasp in horror as she watched her frenzied brother addressing an invisible creature animatedly[GJ42] .

 

'Here he comes, Sarah! Don't worry, I'm no longer afraid of him. Come on, witch, I'll send you back to where you sprang from!' And with that, he thrust out his hands like someone wrestling with an opponent till Sarah nearly believed there was someone else indeed in the room.

'Stop! Stop that!!' Sarah cried as she tried to separate her helpless brother who appeared to be struggling with an invisible enemy. Caleb now rolled on the floor, struggling to get up but held down by the witch.

 

'Get him off me Sarah!,[GJ43]  h[GJ44] e's holding my neck!' he shouted


'I can't see anyone!' Sarah returned hysterically [GJ45] as as tried to drag up her brother from the floor.

 

'Call the police! Call 911! He's suffocating me!'

 

Sarah scrambled into her bag for her phone and dialed 911. She managed to explain to the receiver the situation and was assured the paramedics would be available soon[GJ46] . By the time she got back to her brother, she noticed he was gasping for breath, his eyes dilated and he struggled to speak.

 

'Caleb!,[GJ47]  'Caleb!!' she screamed as she held his face to her chest, her voice shattering through the night.

'No!,[GJ48]  stay with me, the police are almost here'.

 

But he looked drowsily at her and gently closed his eyes. The paramedics later confirmed him dead[GJ49] [GJ50] .

 


 [GJ1]I note you haven’t sue a standard formatting for this text. For submission one should normally double space and indent paragraphs with no extra line between paragraphs. Always number yur apges.

 [GJ2]Fascinating title.  

 [GJ3]They say you shouldn’t start stories with people waking up… it’s beed done a lot.

 [GJ4]Maybe be  a little more precise about the noise.

 [GJ5]Is this a new paragraph?

 [GJ6]This should be upper case

 [GJ7]Can you show her alarm with some body language?

 [GJ8]Extra space here.

 [GJ9]This speech mark shouldn’t be there.

 [GJ10]Not needed

 [GJ11]Better: 'Listen, Sarah, I saw him holding his neck, blood all over him. [GJ11] He seems to be seeking revenge.' He dropped to his knees and took her hand. [GJ11]'Don't let him kill me, Sarah, do all you can to save me from him'.

 

 

 [GJ12]Somewhat stilted. Final speech mark missing.

 [GJ13]Better: She pulled away form him.   

 [GJ14]Upper case needed here

 [GJ15]We probably understand the caution from his actions.  

 [GJ16]Right word?

 [GJ17]Quite a lot of exposition here.  Can you show this another way?

 [GJ18]Show her rage.

 [GJ19]This mus be upper case.

 [GJ20]Deos this need upper case?

 [GJ21]‘said’ would be better here or at a push ‘asked’.  

 [GJ22]You now seem to be in her point of view.  Your text will be much stronger if you stay in Caleb’s point of view.

 [GJ23]toll?

 [GJ24]Speech mark not needed.

 [GJ25]Better: 'No, I don't.’  Sarah looked straight into his eyes.

 [GJ26]Why the break here?

 [GJ27]Not needed

 [GJ28]Not needed.  

 [GJ29]Not needed

 [GJ30]Sarah looked into hos eeys.

 [GJ31]Extra space

 [GJ32]Speech mark missing.

 [GJ33]Not needed. We know he’s confessing.

 [GJ34]Show us her body language. What does she do when she’s alarmed?

 [GJ35]Not needed.

 [GJ36]You’ve gone back into her point of view. What does Caleb think as she stands up?

 [GJ37]Full stop missing.

 [GJ38]Not needed

 [GJ39]We already know it’s Caleb speaking so we don’t need this.

 [GJ40]Not nneded.

 [GJ41]Right word?

 [GJ42]Could you show this a little more?

 [GJ43]Not needed.

 [GJ44]Should be upper case.

 [GJ45]Maybe ‘screamed’ here.

 [GJ46]Slightly into her point of view again.

 [GJ47]Not needed

 [GJ48]Not needed

 [GJ49]A problem as he is the main point of view character.  Could you consider telling the story completely from Sarah’s point of view?  

 [GJ50]There is quite a story here and a good narrative balance. You have the right instinct about where to use dialect. Take care with point of view and the way you punctuate and assign dialogue.