Showing Not Telling

 

Learn from a master: Dickens.

A Tale of Two Cities. (Charles Dickens)

The Dover mail was in its usual genial position that the guard suspected the passengers, the passengers suspected one another and the guard, they all suspected everybody else, and the coachman was sure of nothing but the horses; as to which cattle he could with a clear conscience have taken his oath on the two Testaments that they were not fit for the journey.

"Wo-ho!" said the coachman. "So, then! One more pull and you're at the top and be damned to you, for I have had trouble enough to get you to it!—Joe!"

"Halloa!" the guard replied.

"What o'clock do you make it, Joe?"

"Ten minutes, good, past eleven."

"My blood!" ejaculated the vexed coachman, "and not atop of Shooter's yet! Tst! Yah! Get on with you!"

The emphatic horse, cut short by the whip in a most decided negative, made a decided scramble for it, and the three other horses followed suit. Once more, the Dover mail struggled on, with the jack-boots of its passengers squashing along by its side. They had stopped when the coach stopped, and they kept close company with it. If any one of the three had had the hardihood to propose to another to walk on a little ahead into the mist and darkness, he would have put himself in a fair way of getting shot instantly as a highwayman.

The last burst carried the mail to the summit of the hill. The horses stopped to breathe again, and the guard got down to skid the wheel for the descent, and open the coach-door to let the passengers in.

"Tst! Joe!" cried the coachman in a warning voice, looking down from his box.

"What do you say, Tom?"

They both listened.

"I say a horse at a canter coming up, Joe."

"I say a horse at a gallop, Tom," returned the guard, leaving his hold of the door, and mounting nimbly to his place. "Gentlemen! In the king's name, all of you!"

With this hurried adjuration, he cocked his blunderbuss, and stood on the offensive.

Note how he uses a mixture of action, description and dialogue. Don’t be put off by how the characters speak – we don’t really know exactly how they spoke then but this is probably reasonably similar. The dialogue takes place in real time. It moves the plot forward. It develops some minor characters.   

Some thoughts about showing / telling

Showing creates a sense of time. Time and place combine to make a setting. We’re trying to transfer the film from our head into the heads of our readers. We possibly slow down a little as we get into the protagonists mind. However, if we get the point of view right this does not compromise our opportunity to show instead of tell.  

Kevin Brooks’ Lucas

In this short passage protagonist Caitlin and her father watch a girl almost drown:

The girl was managing to keep herself afloat by flapping her arms like windmills, but I could see she was beginning to tire. Every time a wave broke, her head went under. I looked down at the people on the beach and the cliffs. They were all just standing and watching.

“Why aren’t they doing anything?” I cried.

 Dad put his hand to his mouth and hollered. “Hey! Help her. She needs help! She can’t swim. Hey! HEY!”

His words were drowned out by the roar of the wind and the sea. The people below just carried on watching, some of them casually pointing out to see as if it was all just part of the show.

Meanwhile the girl was being swept towards the rocks. (116-17)

The narrator is showing and telling.  We look through Caitlin’s eyes – “just” shows it is her opinion. She shows us enough so that we can make our own minds up. We see a film of the girl flaying about in the water in real time. Notice, we zoom out to onlookers. The scene is mainly a combination of action and dialogue. It uses senses: we see and hear what Caitlin sees and hears. Further use of “just” and “meanwhile” break continuity a little.   

Melvin Burgess: Hunger

The wind had turned cold and it was trying to rain – a normal Manchester night. But the world had changed. They ran home glancing behind them. Louis held on to his sister’s arm and kept repeating her name.

“Beth ….Beth, you OK? I’m with you Beth …Beth?” He made her look at him and nod. He kept it up until he felt foolish and stopped, but she begged him to keep speaking her name all the way. They were half way back when Ivan stopped and grabbed hold of Louis by his coat. “What the fuck was that?” he begged. “What have I done? I killed someone, didn’t I?

“It wasn’t a person,” said Beth.

“Then what was it?”

“I don’t know.

They stopped on the street and looked at each other. What had they met? What had they done?  (116) 

This book was produced in association with Hammer House of Horror – there’s a clue!  It is fast-paced from the beginning. It starts with some telling about the Manchester rain. There is quite a bit of description here though Burgess writes with the senses.  Then the action becomes continuous action: filmic, perhaps? We see them running. We have some dialogue. Could he have used more? The fear and dread give this passage high stakes.

 

Anne Cassidy: Looking for JJ

On the morning of her birthday Rosie woke her up with a birthday card and a present.

“Here, sleepyhead.”

Alice opened her eyes and looked up at Rosie. She had her dark suit on and the white striped blouse she always wore with it. Her hair was tied back, off her face, making her look serious and stern. Instead of her usual hanging earrings she was wearing gold studs. It was not the way Rosie liked to dress.

“Don’t tell me you’re off to court today!” Alice said, stretching her arms out, ruffling her fingers through her own short hair.

“You guessed it!” Rosie said. “Here, take this, birthday girl.”

Alice took the present while Rosie walked to the window and pushed it open. A light breeze wafted in, lifting the net curtains. Alice pulled the duvet tight, up to her neck.

“Do you want to freeze me to death?” she said jokingly.

Rosie took no notice. She loved fresh air. She spent a lot of time opening windows and Alice spent a lot of time closing them.

Inside the wrapping paper was a small box, the kind that held jewellery. For a moment Alice was worried. Rosie’s taste in jewellery was a bit too arty for her. She lifted the lid off gingerly and saw a pair of tiny gold earrings.

“These are lovely,” Alice said and felt a strange lump in her throat. (5-6)

Cassidy uses a third person close narrative. We are firmly in Alice’s point of view.

Alice decides it is her birthday and notices that Rosie is in her dark suit so that must mean she’s in court. The dialogue is in real time. Much of passage is in dialogue. Cassidy makes good use of senses: sight, hearing, feeling (both senses). Note, Cassidy does not tell us Alice has difficulty waking – we see this!

Teri Terry: Fractured

Dr Lysander smiles, so she is in a good mood.

“Good morning, Kyla.  What is on your mind today?

“Are lorders human?” I cringe after I say it; I was so busy studying her lorder guard, I hadn’t prepared what to say.

“What?” She laughs. “Oh, Kyla, I do enjoy our talks. Of course they are.”

“Well, I know they’re human. That isn’t what I meant, exactly.”

“Please explain.”

“Are they ordinary: do they have pets, hobbies? Do they play musical instruments or go to dinner parties? Or do they just march about scowling all the time?”

She half smiles. “I expect they have lives beyond those that we see. But now that you mention it, I’ve never had one over for dinner, unless you count the one guarding the door.”

“You get guarded having dinner?”

“I get guarded most places these days. But this isn’t about me.”

“Well, I don’t get guarded. I get ignored and scowled at.” Kidnapped and offered impossible deals. I stuff the thought down before it can show on my face, but she doesn’t seem to notice, and turns to her screen. Taps at it a moment and then looks up.

Watching me very carefully. “Have you had any more memories? Or dreams you thought were real.”

“I might have done.”  (230)

Note, there is plenty of pace in the novel but also space for slower real time scenes such as this. The conversation is carefully crafted and unhurried but the pace is not lost because of it. There are high stakes: we know what is behind this. We could take out dialogue tags and reshuffle the lines but we would probably still knew who said what.

There is some action from the doctor (turning the screen).  There are some inner thoughts from Kyla. The passage is in mainly in filmic real time.     

Sarwat Chadda: Devil’s Kiss

Billy could barely look at her dad as she came in. “He’s gone, thanks to you.”

“People like that only complicate things.”

“People like what?”

“Like that. Boyfriends.”

Billi turned abruptly and faced the sink, hoping her dad couldn’t see the tell-tale redness of her face.

“He’s only a friend.”

Arthur just looked at her. “Elaine told me what happened.”  He put down his knife. “Are you all right.”

Billi almost fainted with shock. Was her dad being “concerned”? Her tongue momentarily died on her. She nodded.

“Good. I need you focussed. There’s work to do,” he said.

How stupid. Not concerned at all. He was just worried she wouldn’t be fighting fit.

“Nothing ever matters to you except this bloody Order.” Billy grabbed the side of the sink, digging her nails into the wood, trying hard not to explode. “You don’t want me to have anything else, do you?”

There is tension: Billy strives to be normal and thereby brings herself into more danger.

This really has a lot of themes: teen rebellion, fast-paced adventure and some involvement with the paranormal. This scene grounds us as it is mainly in real time dialogue. The father develops: he becomes more concerned as the dialogue progresses. We have action: Billy turns to the sink. Emotion is shown through action here.

Some tools for showing

·         Use real time

·         Use dialogue

·         Show us emotions

·         Don’t confuse inner monologue with that author’s voice. Anything that goes on inside the character’s head generally uses the same voice as the character. 

·         Don’t show and tell.

Transforming a passage

We’ll now look at transforming a passage that tells into one that shows.

The others are at the camp when we get back. The fire’s just about still going. Todd demands what’s happened and we explain. I ask to speak to him alone. He sets off and I go to follow him. Grace tries to stop me but I shake her off.  I tell Todd we’re should break up. That we shouldn’t be together just because we both come from messed up families.

Now, we’ll look at adding one ingredient at a time, and show how this extract can be enhanced.

First of all, let’s add some action:

The others are all sitting round the fire when we get back. The fire’s just about still going. Todd jumps up and demands what’s happened and we explain. I ask to speak to him alone. He sets off and I go to follow him. Grace tries to stop me but I shake my head at her. Todd won’t turn round and face me at first. I tell Todd we’re should break up. That we shouldn’t be together just because we both come from messed up families. My mouth is dry and I can barely swallow. He spins round to face me.

Already we have more emotional engagement. The text is livelier. We still have some way to go, however. Next, we’ll add in some dialogue.

The others are all sitting round the fire when we get back. The fire’s just about still going.

“Where did you go?” Todd says, jumping to his feet as soon as he sees us.

“She was just sat down by the rocks,” Jenna says quickly.

“Alone.”  

Jenna frowns. “Maybe we should all go to bed.”

“I need to talk to Todd,” I say, still looking straight at him.

“Okay,” says Todd, hesitantly.

“Grace,” Jenna whispers urgently.  But I shake my head at her and go after Todd.

“So, what’s up?” Todd says. He doesn’t turn round though.

“I – I don’t think that you should go out any more.”

“He spins round to face me. “What?”

“I just don’t think we have enough in common. I mean I did to begin with, when you told me about your sister and-”

“What’s Ingrid got to do with it?”

It’s really coming along now.  We have more sense of how the characters feel and behave because they show us through dialogue.  Now we can give it a firmer sense of time and place.  

The others are all sitting round the fire when we get back. The fire’s just about still going.

“Where did you go?” Todd says jumping to his feet as soon as he sees us.

“She was just sat down by the rocks,” Jenna says quickly.

“Alone.” 

Jenna frowns. “Maybe we should all go to bed.”

“I need to talk to Todd,” I say, still looking straight at him.

“Okay,” says Todd, hesitantly. Then he walks past me and starts heading towards the beach. 

“Grace,” Jenna whispers urgently.  But I shake my head at her and go after Todd.

“So, what’s up?” Todd says, coming to a standstill by the HELP sign. He doesn’t turn round though.

“I – I don’t think that you should go out any more.”

“He spins round to face me. “What?”

“I just don’t think we have enough in common. I mean I did to begin with, when you told me about your sister and-”

“What’s Ingrid got to do with it?”

The reader will know the setting but the mention of the beach and the HELP sign reminds us. What the setting actually means to the characters at the time is enhanced by some writing with the senses. 

Back at what’s left of the camp the others are all sitting around the fire staring at the dying flames.

“Where did you go?” Todd says jumping to his feet as soon as he sees us.

“She was just sat down by the rocks,” Jenna says quickly.

“Alone.” 

Jenna frowns. “Maybe we should all go to bed.”

“I need to talk to Todd,” I say, still looking straight at him.

“Okay,” says Todd, hesitantly. Then he walks past me and starts heading towards the beach. 

“Grace,” Jenna whispers urgently.  But I shake my head at her and go after Todd.

“So, what’s up?” Todd says, coming to a standstill by the HELP sign. He doesn’t turn round though.

“I – I don’t think that you should go out any more.”

“He spins round to face me. “What?”

“I just don’t think we have enough in common. I mean I did to begin with, when you told me about your sister and-”

“What’s Ingrid got to do with it?”

The addition of the detail about the campfire gives us something to look at possibly to hear, certainly to smell and here we have feelings in both senses. “What is left of the camp” reminds us that the camp is not working very well at this time. The others staring into the dying flames gives us a physical detail but also shows us how they feel emotionally.

A final enhancement is adding a little inner monologue so that we keep the connection with the protagonist. Thus we have:

Back at what’s left of the camp the others are all sitting around the fire staring at the dying flames.

“Where did you go?” Todd says jumping to his feet as soon as he sees us.

He looks at me questioningly.

“She was just sat down by the rocks,” Jenna says quickly.

“Alone.” 

Jenna frowns. “Maybe we should all go to bed.”

“I need to talk to Todd,” I say, still looking straight at him.

“Okay,” says Todd, hesitantly. Then he walks past me and starts heading towards the beach. 

“Grace,” Jenna whispers urgently.  But I shake my head at her and go after Todd.

“So, what’s up?” Todd says, coming to a standstill by the HELP sign. He doesn’t turn round though.

“I – I don’t think that you should go out any more.” My throat is suddenly so dry that I can barely swallow. 

“He spins round to face me. “What?”

“I just don’t think we have enough in common. I mean I did to begin with, when you told me about your sister and-”

“What’s Ingrid got to do with it?” He stares at me like I’m crazy.

This passage actually comes from Siobhan Curham’s Shipwrecked. (194-95), published by Egmont in 2013. So this scene and others like it have passed the gatekeeper.   

Creative Writing Exercise

Revisit your bullet-point plot outline again. Spread it across a whole sheet of paper. Identify a scene you want to write today.  Summarise it in a short paragraph. Write out the scene “showing” us.   However, you can also include some inner monologue. Check to see whether you have enough of the following ingredients:      

·         action

·         dialogue

·         a firm sense of time and place

·         appeal to the senses

·         inner monologue.

Check for one ingredient at a time.