Karma is a Witch[GJ1] [GJ2]
He woke up with a start, sweating[GJ3] . His heart was beating like the noise of a malfunctioning engine[GJ4] .
A dream or a hypnosis, could it have been his ghost? Could it have been his imagination[GJ5] , the sound, or is it his host?
He sprang up from the bed. Again, the sound was familiar, disturbing. Sure, it's the strange being again, this time troubling. Something glided past the window; it looked real. Could it be him, or were they up to a dozen? A cold sweat ran down his spine, as he stood frozen
'Caleb, are you okay?' a[GJ6] calm voice interjected the tense atmosphere, jerking him back to reality.
He swerved round and grabbed his host ' I saw him! He has a murderous intention! He wants to make me a causality'
'Who?' queried his Sister, alarmed.[GJ7]
'Kareem!', he blurted out, shivering and frantically looking around him. ' I[GJ8] swear I did!'
'But that's not possible. Kareem is dead', Sarah replied, astonished.
'Listen, Sarah, I saw him holding his neck, blood all over him.'[GJ9] He seems to be seeking revenge.'
Then dropping to his knees, holding her hand, he pleaded, [GJ10] 'Don't let him kill me, Sarah, do all you can to save me from him'.
'Why would he seek your life when you were acquitted of his murder?'
'Acquitted by man but not by conscience Sarah. Since Kareem's demise, I have lived under a morbid fear that he's coming back'. He replied sweating profusely[GJ12] .
'There you go again', she snapped at him, withdrawing her hands from his hold. [GJ13] 'it's[GJ14] just not possible; this guy is dead and cannot in any way come to life again, or do the dead live among the living?'. She demanded as she lowered herself in the chair next to her.
Caleb stood up and walked cautiously [GJ15] to the window as if expecting to see someone there. He raised the curtain, poked his head outside, looked at both sides, and retreated. 'I bet I saw him', he muttered aloud.
Sarah watched him like a man going senile. Her brother had been a dignified cop until he retired last year. He had won many laurels in Sharpville District as a gallant police officer. But the issue of Kareem Khalid's murder, a public protester, nearly soiled his garment[GJ16] of professionalism.
The prosecution could not prove that Inspector Caleb Johnson's manhandling of Kareem ultimately led to the poor teenager's death. Though
the court upheld the fact that Kareem was asthmatic, it found no correlation between his manhandling and the cause of his death. The coroner's report showed Kareem died of exhaustion. The prosecution could not even prove a manslaughter case.
But Kareem's mother, Katherine, could not be swayed. She just couldn't separate her only child's death from the brutality of the mean officer. She walked up to the grinning cop after the infamous court judgment[GJ17] .
'You have nothing to fear if you ain't got a hand in my baby's death', she stressed with an obvious rage. [GJ18] 'but [GJ19] brace up for the consequences of your actions if you did. Kareem's ghost will haunt you and yours like a witch until karma is extracted!'
It appeared the woman's threat began to work.
Two weeks later the Officer[GJ20] lost his only daughter in a bizarre circumstance. His wife had left the baby in their car to purchase groceries at a nearby shop when a teenager rammed a car into the stationary car. The toddler died instantly. It was alleged a brake failure. The mother couldn't survive the shock. She gave up a week later in the hospital while under intensive care.
"It's him, the witch!' muttered Caleb as he glanced over his wife's body in the hospital. He consequently lost his mind. After months in the infirmary, Caleb was released to Sarah, his younger sibling, and has since lived under her watchful eye.
'Are you now certain there is no one there?' inquired [GJ21] Sarah, feeling sorry for his troubled brother.[GJ22]
Caleb stood in the middle of the room and ran his hand through his hair as if contemplating what to say. His present challenge had taken its toil [GJ23] on his frame. His once tall, imposing figure has been reduced him to a dull, ponderous, pachyderm appearance.
He pulled a chair and sat facing his sister. 'Listen, Sarah, I'm dealing with a stubborn witch.'[GJ24] His mother cursed me right in the court premises, don't you understand?'
'No, I don't', returned Sarah, looking straight into his eyes. [GJ25] 'Now let me tell you what I understand: A gallant officer falsely accused of murder,[GJ26]
completely acquitted by the court but fell to the cheap blackmail of the victim's mother. This is a mind game, Caleb. How could you have been so conscientious of that woman's bluff? You lost your dignity, your charisma, your peace!'
Rising from his seat, Caleb moved to the window again. He turned and shook his head.
'If only you know what I'm going through,' he submitted gravely,[GJ27] 'but I think you know that this is beyond anyone!'. [GJ28] Then, moving close to her and raising his voice, he said, 'I was cursed by that woman. She believed I killed her son!'.[GJ29]
You didn't kill him, did you?' inquired Sarah, perusing her brother's face.[GJ30]
'Did I[GJ31] ?', returned Caleb thoughtfully. 'I didn't. I only hit his nape'.
'But you never said once you hit him. Rather, you have always admitted you never beat him[GJ32] .
He shifted his gaze from his sister, reflected for some time, and looked into space as if he were trying to recollect the moment.
'Yeah, I did hit him'. He confessed. [GJ33] 'He was struggling violently to break free from my grip and I needed to keep him in check. It was a fatal blow to his neck.
'But the coroner's report....' Sarah hazarded, alarmed.[GJ34]
'Yeah...I had to speak to Carlos', he interposed solemnly[GJ35] . 'Understand Sarah...I needed a bailout; it's all that I had, all that I worked for
Sarah rose from her chair too stunned to speak. [GJ36] She had resolutely defended her brother in several fora and interviews, asserting his innocence[GJ37]
Suddenly Caleb rose, with a fixed gaze towards the window, almost transfixed.
"There he is!', [GJ38] he exclaimed[GJ39] , retreating, pointing at the window. 'can't you see him? Look at him holding his neck!'
Sarah glanced at the window but saw nothing.
'I told you he wants my life!',[GJ40] resumed Caleb, in a perplexing state. Then, addressing the invisible object, he blurted, 'You ain't gonna kill me as you killed my wife and daughter. I didn't kill you! I only hit you on the nape [GJ41] and that's not the cause of your death. Get off me now, or else I will break your skull!'
He grabbed the teacup on the table and aimed at his invisible adversary. The cup hit the window glass and the whole thing came crashing down.
His bewildered sister could only gasp in horror as she watched her frenzied brother addressing an invisible creature animatedly[GJ42] .
'Here he comes, Sarah! Don't worry, I'm no longer afraid of him. Come on, witch, I'll send you back to where you sprang from!' And with that, he thrust out his hands like someone wrestling with an opponent till Sarah nearly believed there was someone else indeed in the room.
'Stop! Stop that!!' Sarah cried as she tried to separate her helpless brother who appeared to be struggling with an invisible enemy. Caleb now rolled on the floor, struggling to get up but held down by the witch.
'Get him off me Sarah!,[GJ43] h[GJ44] e's holding my neck!' he shouted
'I can't see anyone!' Sarah returned hysterically [GJ45] as as tried to drag up her brother from the floor.
'Call the police! Call 911! He's suffocating me!'
Sarah scrambled into her bag for her phone and dialed 911. She managed to explain to the receiver the situation and was assured the paramedics would be available soon[GJ46] . By the time she got back to her brother, she noticed he was gasping for breath, his eyes dilated and he struggled to speak.
'Caleb!,[GJ47] 'Caleb!!' she screamed as she held his face to her chest, her voice shattering through the night.
'No!,[GJ48] stay with me, the police are almost here'.
But he looked drowsily at her and gently closed his eyes. The paramedics later confirmed him dead[GJ49] [GJ50] .
[GJ1]I note you haven’t sue a standard formatting for this text. For submission one should normally double space and indent paragraphs with no extra line between paragraphs. Always number yur apges.
[GJ2]Fascinating title.
[GJ3]They say you shouldn’t start stories with people waking up… it’s beed done a lot.
[GJ4]Maybe be a little more precise about the noise.
[GJ5]Is this a new paragraph?
[GJ6]This should be upper case
[GJ7]Can you show her alarm with some body language?
[GJ8]Extra space here.
[GJ9]This speech mark shouldn’t be there.
[GJ10]Not needed
[GJ12]Somewhat stilted. Final speech mark missing.
[GJ13]Better: She pulled away form him.
[GJ14]Upper case needed here
[GJ15]We probably understand the caution from his actions.
[GJ16]Right word?
[GJ17]Quite a lot of exposition here. Can you show this another way?
[GJ18]Show her rage.
[GJ19]This mus be upper case.
[GJ20]Deos this need upper case?
[GJ21]‘said’ would be better here or at a push ‘asked’.
[GJ22]You now seem to be in her point of view. Your text will be much stronger if you stay in Caleb’s point of view.
[GJ23]toll?
[GJ24]Speech mark not needed.
[GJ25]Better: 'No, I don't.’ Sarah looked straight into his eyes.
[GJ26]Why the break here?
[GJ27]Not needed
[GJ28]Not needed.
[GJ29]Not needed
[GJ30]Sarah looked into hos eeys.
[GJ31]Extra space
[GJ32]Speech mark missing.
[GJ33]Not needed. We know he’s confessing.
[GJ34]Show us her body language. What does she do when she’s alarmed?
[GJ35]Not needed.
[GJ36]You’ve gone back into her point of view. What does Caleb think as she stands up?
[GJ37]Full stop missing.
[GJ38]Not needed
[GJ39]We already know it’s Caleb speaking so we don’t need this.
[GJ40]Not nneded.
[GJ41]Right word?
[GJ42]Could you show this a little more?
[GJ43]Not needed.
[GJ44]Should be upper case.
[GJ45]Maybe ‘screamed’ here.
[GJ46]Slightly into her point of view again.
[GJ47]Not needed
[GJ48]Not needed
[GJ49]A problem as he is the main point of view character. Could you consider telling the story completely from Sarah’s point of view?
[GJ50]There is quite a story here and a good narrative balance. You have the right instinct about where to use dialect. Take care with point of view and the way you punctuate and assign dialogue.
