One morning, waking up normally, while he goes to the toilet and gazes at
his penis as usual, it seems, it has become small. The sunlight is coming through the
ventilator and the light creates a form of vagina on the
floor; in its extra light, he checks his penis again and again. He also
remembers that he has not masturbated for a long time—but why! Is his voice
also changing to a feminine voice as a reverse turn!
Trying to suppress such a worry, he thinks, how long could I suppress this! And is it
right!
His roommate Ripon, who fulfills the condition that he’ll
not tell anyone the matter, first discloses it to him. Apparently, Ripon begins to listen to it with a serious
feeling but a mysterious irony twinkle in his eyes.
Welcome, he says, I think if you become a female, then you’ll be a
beautiful girl.
In the body and consciousness,
such a deep chemistry, all its strange manifestations—how to deal with it and
solve this!
By this time, it’s definitely
going beyond the limits of control! His accent, movements, and glances provoke
the students of his hostel and college in mockery. It makes him ashamed and
embarrassed—these reactions also make them more provocative and even some of
them are thrilled by the electric sparking of his gazes too.
It seems they also know the fact.
But how!
It’s very possible, that Ripon
has played a key role in it. Despite his promise not to disclose the matter to
anyone, John was feeling uncertain. Maybe Ripon tried but couldn’t control
himself. First, he says to someone, I’m only telling you an interesting secret,
please don’t tell anyone. It’s like a girl who says to her lover, I love only
you—and then she says it to 10
young men!
Then, John searches for a
specialist related to the issue, and at one-point he makes an appointment with
an endocrinologist.
Estrogen! These are all the
actions of such kinds of hormones, the endocrinologist says, the heredity, in
many ways, gave you a fertile body for the creation of these hormones, then by
subtracting and adding they are changing you. Anyhow, I’m prescribing some
anti-doses to destroy these hormones and prevent their production. And as the
psychological treatment: stop thinking of girls, especially weed out from your
mind their breasts, vagina, hip, etc. If you think about these organs, it means
you want those and, they will develop in you. Have you any girlfriend?
He had a strong crush on his classmate Anika. He imagined her—he is
chatting, caressing, and kissing her, through this, he even masturbated. In the meantime, that’s stopped. Now he’s in
silence in the face of the specialist’s question.
If there is a girl you love, the specialist advises, if you want to get
rid of this disaster, leave her and forget.
The attraction to women is the basic characteristics of manhood, which is supposed to sustain one
male—but the specialist’s advice! John falls in a dilemma.
Meanwhile, the time goes by, but change doesn’t turn reverse.
At this stage, the endocrinologist advises, Speak in a tough, masculine
voice—think your penis is still as large and as powerful as before, even try to
excite it.
Maybe
the specialist now thinks, how
his masculinity will remain awakened and active in his mind and body, as his
acquired knowledge says, but is this not the reverse of his first phase
treatment! Is
he his guinea pig!
In the next appointment, the
endocrinologist observes him very keenly and then asks, Do you want to be a
woman?
Maybe that’s existing in his
unconscious—he can answer nothing.
If you want to be a woman, the
specialist proceeds, I can make you that by surgical operations. Vaginoplasty
can create a vagina, clitoris, labia majora, labia minora. using your existing genital tissue. But it
needs a lot of money!
The specialist also tells him to stop the prescribed anti-doses.
Now he always notices his changes
and imagines being a girl.
But the specialist says, If the
necessary surgeries are not done immediately to let you be a complete woman,
your condition may be critical.
Currently, some students at his
college and hostel tease him, saying eunuch, half-woman, etc.—as if the
specialist confirms this identification.
His anxiety increases. If any mother gives birth to a
transgender child, then the parents drop the child off in their community, in
an inhumane environment. The child forgets the root and leads the life begging
by dancing and singing with other transgenders, and even like lumpen by
artifice and stealing. There are such terms as transgender dance, eunuch
culture, etc. In the ‘National folk-culture festival’ there’s an evening for
the third gender’s presentation—last year he enjoyed it with Ripon. Then where
s/he can go to lead her/his life if s/he becomes transgender!
Is the specialist scaring him!
One day when he was waiting to meet the specialist in the waiting room, a man
was speaking from the chair next to him to a woman, The endocrinologist pushed his patient to
surgery for the
interest of money.
John then searches for another specialist.
Now, the change is at such a
stage that if we try to control it, the endocrinologist John finds out next,
says, it may create great trouble, even turn into such a complex state that we
would have nothing to do. Meanwhile, it’s running so smoothly towards
womanhood, you need no hormone vaccine or surgery. Now rather you welcome your
womanhood and pursue
to become a woman in mind, in body, and be
ready to enjoy your new life. But it’s not that any problem, any complexity may
not appear. So, you should have a keen observation of a specialist.
By this time, the mockery with
him doesn’t remain limited in the hostel and college; it spreads to their
adjacent society and becomes a hypersensitive excitement.
Meanwhile, the physical and also
the mental revolution are happening, but slowly.
Gradually his penis is going to
be extinct. His chest is growing like a pair of women’s breasts. Also, his body
is becoming more delicate.
When it’s happening in him, then
it seems, on his next bed, Ripon is dreaming an erotic daydream. Once upon a
time, Ripon proposed to him to go to a brothel, where they would pay a prostitute as per rate only to examine her vagina, breasts, and
body—how it acts as such an enjoyable source. Now, of course, he is waiting for
newly created sex organs in him—breasts, vagina, etc.—and also thinking about
having sex.
Within a few days, the curiosity
of the students of
his hostel, becomes a peculiar disturbance. It also
becomes difficult to defecate for him. They just do not peek in his room or
bathroom now and again—one evening someone pushes the door of the toilet so
strongly that all of a sudden, the cleat slips away, and the door opens—the
crazy student sees the stage of his transitional genitalia at a glance! Then how
can he live in the hostel!
Then where can he go and get
shelter! If he returns to his own home—how will his parents handle him/her!
That’s a remote small town—it’s impossible to continue the necessary treatment
there.
To escape from an unbearable
situation, he takes shelter at his maternal uncle’s quarter in this capital.
Uncle is worried for him/her. Aunt considers it a sex distortion, a very dirty
matter, and becomes anxious for his young sons—they may be curious and
interested about the new sex organs; if it happens, their characters will be
ruined.
He understands his aunt, but he
has to stay here because of treatment. Fear of becoming transgender, their
homelessness chases him like a nightmare. In this situation, he even thinks
it’s logical if
I could commit suicide. But it’s not the ending or
vanishing of his existence—the suicide would rebirth him as an interesting
story among his friends and relatives, even in newspapers. Then the woman she
wants to be—that’s best.
John thinks by this time he should also take the college final exam.
On the pretext to help his study, Ripon regularly comes here. But s/he
realizes Ripon doesn’t really want his study progress.
Through
all such complications, John
takes part in the exam.
Ripon also goes with him/her to the specialist’s chamber—knows
the development with a special eagerness!
This time examining him/her very
closely with mysterious curiosity, the specialist advises, Now dream and feel,
a young man, by churning your soft breast, is spreading the endless joy in your
body, as the God creates nectar by churning whole water of a sea for to drink.
Even, an embryo is developing in your uterus, and a baby is spreading its hands
and feet towards you from inside your womb.
One evening the specialist presses his—her breast with hand consecutively and
tries to take these in his fist. Then, through genital examination by his
finger, he says with a smile, It’s that Crack of Doris Lessing!
Despite some complications with
menstruation—extinction of beard, perfect formation of uterus he basically
metamorphoses into a young girl.
Nevertheless, there’s a problem
in her breast development—the recessive elements of his chests grow up like a
pair of boils, then stops, and do not develop to full bloom boobs.
When you’ll in the process of
full girlhood, the specialist says, such as a man’s hand would press and caress
your breast, have sex, and would menstruate, those might influence to nourish
the breasts. A great development may happen
when you conceive. From the womb, the zygote will send its future needs to
breast and... then the breastfeeding… At your golden age, you’ll gain the
perfect breasts like a pair of heavenly apples!
The specialist who has passed his
middle age and is leaning towards the old age, it seems, is pursuing to
revive his youth by talking and touching her—she
is embarrassed. Rather, when Ripon comes here to meet her, that ever known
Ripon is seen as a timid lover, and she feels a deep thrill. Then the wishes
arise in her,
if he would sit close to her and kiss!
Now apparently, when she is a young girl, she can’t return to the hostel
and go to college; she is bound to leave the capital and go back to her
hometown, to her parents.
In
her old home, in ever-familiar society, existed all problems follows her in a
new and peculiar form.
She has to cut her hair, but
through continuous cutting, how it becomes a girl’s bobcat style she can’t
realize! When she wears her previous dress,
she looks at herself in the mirror, an aboriginal young woman, as if it’s at a
fashion show!
Her mother, however, gives her two used
saris. Now she wears the sari in conservative style. But even in their inner
house, she has to lead her life just in infinite shame.
It’s very embarrassing for her
when she appears in front of somebody; they search her full body with curious
eyes. He always tries to escape from people. In
this time when the national daily The Horizon publishes “Sex Change—A
Young Man Has Become a Young Girl,” she becomes a victim of endless public
nuisance. People wait around his home boundaries, and if she comes to the
balcony, even stands near a window, they tease. Then her mother begins to lift
curtains around her one after another.
Despite so many problems
around her, now her mind wishes for the male. In the last days of his hall life
to his next bed, Ripon
was waiting impatiently for his metamorphosis. Then one evening he asked him, If you
become a girl will you be my girlfriend? Now she waits for him in her
imagination. Besides, what else can she do? ♦
This
is hard to understand. Maybe: In her
old home, in that ever-familiar society, all the same problems still exist. They have followed here there.
