Karma is a Witch by Oluseyi Ogunbanwo Joseph

 

Karma is a Witch[GJ1] [GJ2] 

 

He woke up with a start, sweating[GJ3] . His heart was beating like the noise of a malfunctioning engine[GJ4] .

A dream or a hypnosis, could it have been his ghost? Could it have been his imagination[GJ5] , the sound, or is it his host?

 

He sprang up from the bed. Again, the sound was familiar, disturbing. Sure, it's the strange being again, this time troubling. Something glided past the window; it looked real. Could it be him, or were they up to a dozen? A cold sweat ran down his spine, as he stood frozen

'Caleb, are you okay?' a[GJ6]  calm voice interjected the tense atmosphere, jerking him back to reality.

 

He swerved round and grabbed his host ' I saw him! He has a murderous intention! He wants to make me a causality'

 

'Who?' queried his Sister, alarmed.[GJ7] 

'Kareem!', he blurted out, shivering and frantically looking around him. ' I[GJ8]  swear I did!'

 

'But that's not possible. Kareem is dead', Sarah replied, astonished.

 

'Listen, Sarah, I saw him holding his neck, blood all over him.'[GJ9]  He seems to be seeking revenge.'

Then dropping to his knees, holding her hand, he pleaded, [GJ10] 'Don't let him kill me, Sarah, do all you can to save me from him'.

[GJ11] 

'Why would he seek your life when you were acquitted of his murder?'

'Acquitted by man but not by conscience Sarah. Since Kareem's demise, I have lived under a morbid fear that he's coming back'. He replied sweating profusely[GJ12] .

'There you go again', she snapped at him, withdrawing her hands from his hold. [GJ13] 'it's[GJ14]  just not possible; this guy is dead and cannot in any way come to life again, or do the dead live among the living?'. She demanded as she lowered herself in the chair next to her.

 

Caleb stood up and walked cautiously [GJ15] to the window as if expecting to see someone there. He raised the curtain, poked his head outside, looked at both sides, and retreated. 'I bet I saw him', he muttered aloud.

 

Sarah watched him like a man going senile. Her brother had been a dignified cop until he retired last year. He had won many laurels in Sharpville District as a gallant police officer. But the issue of Kareem Khalid's murder, a public protester, nearly soiled his garment[GJ16]  of professionalism.

 

The prosecution could not prove that Inspector Caleb Johnson's manhandling of Kareem ultimately led to the poor teenager's death. Though

the court upheld the fact that Kareem was asthmatic, it found no correlation between his manhandling and the cause of his death. The coroner's report showed Kareem died of exhaustion. The prosecution could not even prove a manslaughter case.

 

But Kareem's mother, Katherine, could not be swayed. She just couldn't separate her only child's death from the brutality of the mean officer. She walked up to the grinning cop after the infamous court judgment[GJ17] .

 

'You have nothing to fear if you ain't got a hand in my baby's death', she stressed with an obvious rage. [GJ18] 'but [GJ19] brace up for the consequences of your actions if you did. Kareem's ghost will haunt you and yours like a witch until karma is extracted!'

 

It appeared the woman's threat began to work.

 

Two weeks later the Officer[GJ20]  lost his only daughter in a bizarre circumstance. His wife had left the baby in their car to purchase groceries at a nearby shop when a teenager rammed a car into the stationary car. The toddler died instantly. It was alleged a brake failure. The mother couldn't survive the shock. She gave up a week later in the hospital while under intensive care.

 

"It's him, the witch!' muttered Caleb as he glanced over his wife's body in the hospital. He consequently lost his mind. After months in the infirmary, Caleb was released to Sarah, his younger sibling, and has since lived under her watchful eye.

 

'Are you now certain there is no one there?' inquired [GJ21] Sarah, feeling sorry for his troubled brother.[GJ22] 

 

Caleb stood in the middle of the room and ran his hand through his hair as if contemplating what to say. His present challenge had taken its toil [GJ23] on his frame. His once tall, imposing figure has been reduced him to a dull, ponderous, pachyderm appearance.

 

He pulled a chair and sat facing his sister. 'Listen, Sarah, I'm dealing with a stubborn witch.'[GJ24]  His mother cursed me right in the court premises, don't you understand?'

 

'No, I don't', returned Sarah, looking straight into his eyes. [GJ25] 'Now let me tell you what I understand: A gallant officer falsely accused of murder,[GJ26] 

completely acquitted by the court but fell to the cheap blackmail of the victim's mother. This is a mind game, Caleb. How could you have been so conscientious of that woman's bluff? You lost your dignity, your charisma, your peace!'

 

Rising from his seat, Caleb moved to the window again. He turned and shook his head.

'If only you know what I'm going through,' he submitted gravely,[GJ27]  'but I think you know that this is beyond anyone!'. [GJ28] Then, moving close to her and raising his voice, he said, 'I was cursed by that woman. She believed I killed her son!'.[GJ29] 

You didn't kill him, did you?' inquired Sarah, perusing her brother's face.[GJ30] 

 

'Did I[GJ31]  ?', returned Caleb thoughtfully. 'I didn't. I only hit his nape'.

 

'But you never said once you hit him. Rather, you have always admitted you never beat him[GJ32] .

 

He shifted his gaze from his sister, reflected for some time, and looked into space as if he were trying to recollect the moment.

 

'Yeah, I did hit him'. He confessed. [GJ33] 'He was struggling violently to break free from my grip and I needed to keep him in check. It was a fatal blow to his neck.

 

'But the coroner's report....' Sarah hazarded, alarmed.[GJ34] 

'Yeah...I had to speak to Carlos', he interposed solemnly[GJ35] . 'Understand Sarah...I needed a bailout; it's all that I had, all that I worked for

 

Sarah rose from her chair too stunned to speak. [GJ36] She had resolutely defended her brother in several fora and interviews, asserting his innocence[GJ37] 

 

Suddenly Caleb rose, with a fixed gaze towards the window, almost transfixed.

"There he is!', [GJ38] he exclaimed[GJ39] , retreating, pointing at the window. 'can't you see him? Look at him holding his neck!'

Sarah glanced at the window but saw nothing.

 

'I told you he wants my life!',[GJ40]  resumed Caleb, in a perplexing state. Then, addressing the invisible object, he blurted, 'You ain't gonna kill me as you killed my wife and daughter. I didn't kill you! I only hit you on the nape [GJ41] and that's not the cause of your death. Get off me now, or else I will break your skull!'

He grabbed the teacup on the table and aimed at his invisible adversary. The cup hit the window glass and the whole thing came crashing down.

 

His bewildered sister could only gasp in horror as she watched her frenzied brother addressing an invisible creature animatedly[GJ42] .

 

'Here he comes, Sarah! Don't worry, I'm no longer afraid of him. Come on, witch, I'll send you back to where you sprang from!' And with that, he thrust out his hands like someone wrestling with an opponent till Sarah nearly believed there was someone else indeed in the room.

'Stop! Stop that!!' Sarah cried as she tried to separate her helpless brother who appeared to be struggling with an invisible enemy. Caleb now rolled on the floor, struggling to get up but held down by the witch.

 

'Get him off me Sarah!,[GJ43]  h[GJ44] e's holding my neck!' he shouted

'I can't see anyone!' Sarah returned hysterically [GJ45] as as tried to drag up her brother from the floor.

 

'Call the police! Call 911! He's suffocating me!'

 

Sarah scrambled into her bag for her phone and dialed 911. She managed to explain to the receiver the situation and was assured the paramedics would be available soon[GJ46] . By the time she got back to her brother, she noticed he was gasping for breath, his eyes dilated and he struggled to speak.

 

'Caleb!,[GJ47]  'Caleb!!' she screamed as she held his face to her chest, her voice shattering through the night.

'No!,[GJ48]  stay with me, the police are almost here'.

 

But he looked drowsily at her and gently closed his eyes. The paramedics later confirmed him dead[GJ49] [GJ50] .

 

---

 [GJ1]I note you haven’t sue a standard formatting for this text. For submission one should normally double space and indent paragraphs with no extra line between paragraphs. Always number yur apges.

 [GJ2]Fascinating title.  

 [GJ3]They say you shouldn’t start stories with people waking up… it’s beed done a lot.

 [GJ4]Maybe be  a little more precise about the noise.

 [GJ5]Is this a new paragraph?

 [GJ6]This should be upper case

 [GJ7]Can you show her alarm with some body language?

 [GJ8]Extra space here.

 [GJ9]This speech mark shouldn’t be there.

 [GJ10]Not needed

 [GJ11]Better: 'Listen, Sarah, I saw him holding his neck, blood all over him. [GJ11] He seems to be seeking revenge.' He dropped to his knees and took her hand. [GJ11]'Don't let him kill me, Sarah, do all you can to save me from him'.

 

 

 [GJ12]Somewhat stilted. Final speech mark missing.

 [GJ13]Better: She pulled away form him.   

 [GJ14]Upper case needed here

 [GJ15]We probably understand the caution from his actions.  

 [GJ16]Right word?

 [GJ17]Quite a lot of exposition here.  Can you show this another way?

 [GJ18]Show her rage.

 [GJ19]This mus be upper case.

 [GJ20]Deos this need upper case?

 [GJ21]‘said’ would be better here or at a push ‘asked’.  

 [GJ22]You now seem to be in her point of view.  Your text will be much stronger if you stay in Caleb’s point of view.

 [GJ23]toll?

 [GJ24]Speech mark not needed.

 [GJ25]Better: 'No, I don't.’  Sarah looked straight into his eyes.

 [GJ26]Why the break here?

 [GJ27]Not needed

 [GJ28]Not needed.  

 [GJ29]Not needed

 [GJ30]Sarah looked into hos eeys.

 [GJ31]Extra space

 [GJ32]Speech mark missing.

 [GJ33]Not needed. We know he’s confessing.

 [GJ34]Show us her body language. What does she do when she’s alarmed?

 [GJ35]Not needed.

 [GJ36]You’ve gone back into her point of view. What does Caleb think as she stands up?

 [GJ37]Full stop missing.

 [GJ38]Not needed

 [GJ39]We already know it’s Caleb speaking so we don’t need this.

 [GJ40]Not nneded.

 [GJ41]Right word?

 [GJ42]Could you show this a little more?

 [GJ43]Not needed.

 [GJ44]Should be upper case.

 [GJ45]Maybe ‘screamed’ here.

 [GJ46]Slightly into her point of view again.

 [GJ47]Not needed

 [GJ48]Not needed

 [GJ49]A problem as he is the main point of view character.  Could you consider telling the story completely from Sarah’s point of view?  

 [GJ50]There is quite a story here and a good narrative balance. You have the right instinct about where to use dialect. Take care with point of view and the way you punctuate and assign dialogue.  

Hell had no fury like a woman scorned. by Oluseyi Ogunbanwo Joseph

 

Hell had no fury like a woman scorned[GJ1] .

 

Beware son[GJ2] ,

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned[GJ3] 

 

I knew a  tale [GJ4] like an incident of yesterday

True life story relevant for the man of today

It's the story of a bruised and battered [GJ5] woman

Who's [GJ6] fury passed the rubicon of rectitude

 

Peerless was her beauty in her days of yore [GJ7] 

Men and suitors her comeliness adore

Her tree resplendent with attractive juicy fruits

Her green leaves adorned with inviting flowers [GJ8] 

 

Then came he and his desire

Attracted by love and with a name Josiah

Secured her hand and vowed to protect her attire

Then marital bliss began in a home decorated with sapphire[GJ9] 

 

Suddenly the sweet bell stopped ringing

The wine of love became sour[GJ10] 

Desirous affection took a violent tour

On the scene emerged a strange being

 

Nocturnal return replaced early arrival[GJ11] 

Frowned appearance displaced cheerful survival 

Demands snowballed to unavoidable altercations

Arguments resulted into physical confrontations

 

Violent clashes of pains and bruises

Left[GJ12]   her soul depressed on crutches

And since his leopard refused to change it's[GJ13]  skin

She sent into space her voice of anguish with keen

 

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned

 

In her hot displeasure of his inflicted afflictions[GJ14] 

She stripped and voiced with vigorous vituperations  [GJ15] 

'You shall be humbled by misery and penury,

'For these protracted marks of inflicted [GJ16] injury!'

 

And soon her curse began to manifest

With loss of business and a successful enterprise

Josiah's lion became a lousy rat seeking assistance

His sustenance came crashing before his countenance[GJ17] .

 

'The eyes' problem is the nose's', says a maxim in my place

 Her chicken came home to roost

Then with a remorseful heart, she prayed for a change

But like a leech, the situation remained unchanged[GJ18] 

 

There was no alteration in their condition

Even when she pleaded unclad in complete restitution

Then like the first man and his wife, they started life[GJ19]   anew

The past was forgotten and their vow renewed[GJ20] 

 

So son, have you been bound to a wife? 

Break not her heart and her dignity do not sell

For the woman's heart is tender with life

But her fury is hotter than the fire of hell[GJ21] 

 

General comments 

On the whole this poem has an interesting meter and some pleasant sounds in the words. I worry that there is little punctuation and some overuse of clever words.

Take care about those extra spaces. They look unprofessional.  

We need more story here. What were the confrontations about? How did hey concretely affect the business? How did the reconciliation take place?  And most importantly: what did the ‘wrath’ look like?     

A brave attempt in any case.  

---

 [GJ1]Good to twist to a well-known saying. “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned” originates from the William Congreve play, “The Mourning Bride,” published in 1697. A line in the play reads as follows. “Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned, nor hell a fury like a woman scorned.”

 [GJ2]Short sharp line begs the reader’s attention.

 [GJ3]And here is the famous phrase itself.  Should it have correct punctuation?

 [GJ4]Extra space added here. Take care with this.

 [GJ5]Good use of alliteration.

 [GJ6]‘whose’ surely?

 [GJ7]Somewhat clichéd?

 [GJ8]Sexual references? Again, a little clichéd?

 [GJ9]The rhymes seem a little forced here.

 [GJ10]A dramatic turn here.

 [GJ11]We have to pause a moment to work out what this may mean but that may not be a bad thing.

 [GJ12]Extra space here again. Take care with this.

 [GJ13]its

 [GJ14]There is some repetition here.

 [GJ15]Alliteration again and this is effective but the meaning of the word is rather obscure. Many readers will not know this word.

 [GJ16]Repetition again

 [GJ17]So, her behaviour undermined his business?

 [GJ18]Not completely clear whose fault this all was.

 [GJ19]Double space again – take care

 [GJ20]Phew! Thank goodness.

 [GJ21]Good advice?

 

Feedback – giving and receiving it

 

The simplest form of feedback

Give someone your work to read and ask them what they’ve understood rather than inviting them to give an opinion.  Making this clear at the beginning avoids the situation where they may feel that they have to say they like your work even if they don’t.  Do you get any surprises? Do they think an old man was a young man, for instance? Do they find your story funny when you had meant it to be deadly serious? Is the picture you have in your head as you wrote the same as the one they get in their head after they have read your work?

Critique groups

These are really useful but it is important to find the right one. Do you just want to celebrate each other’s work?  Do you want some aggressive criticism? Or something in between? Do you need to be genre specific? You will find a list of UK based writers’ groups at  https://www.nawg.co.uk . There is an added bonus in using this site to find your writing group. Groups listed here will be member of the association and that offers even more opportunities.

It’s a good idea to find a genre specific group e.g., writing for children, poetry, science fiction, memoir etc. However, joining a mixed group is also useful as looking at different forms of writing can be enlightening. Is this an argument for belonging to more than one group?

A workable pattern

Critique groups work better if you all negotiate the rules first.  This is one I like: you send your work to each other in advance. Everyone reads everybody else’s work and points out:

·         What works well

·         What works less well

·         What the writer might do to improve

·         Sometimes a writer may have asked you to look at some specific aspect of the text, so you comment on that.

It’s best to only make a few points for each section. It becomes a little like peeling off layers. You might correct typos and spelling mistakes etc. but perhaps you won’t mention these when you give the feedback.

You go round the group. Each person gives a little background to their work, then going round the table three people give feedback but avoid repeating anything that has already been said. After three people have given feedback anyone who has more to add is invited to speak.

If you’ve annotated the text, and I recommend that you do this, give it back to the writer at the end of the session. 

The group doesn’t need to be large. In fact, an hour and half for a group of about eight working as described above is just right.

How to react to feedback

Try to resist defending your work. Just listen carefully to what each person tells you. You may find that you can’t agree with the suggestions. This is fine; it is your work and it is yours to do with as you please. But if several people are saying the same thing, it’s probably wise to listen.

You may find that people are saying different things.  For example, one person may ask you to make a small character more significant and someone else may tell you to get rid of that character altogether. This can be confusing.  In this case they may be saying the same thing: the character doesn’t seem to have a role. Give them one or get rid of them.

You will often find that your critic is right that there’s something out of kilter with the text but their suggestion about how to fix it may not be right. This is where you need to take your work back home, study all that has been said about it and then make your own mind up about what to do.  This is also good practice for working with a publishing house’s editor later.

Beta readers

You use these to test out a whole manuscript. They should be the type of people who would read your published book. So, you may be looking for someone who likes romance, someone who is interested in antiques or someone who likes fell-walking.  It all depends on your type of book. They read as if they had bought the book and let you know what they think.

Again with these you might ask them specific questions about certain aspects of the text.

Professional edit

These aren’t cheap. They are essential if you are going to self-publish.  Getting a professional edit will give your manuscript a much better chance of being accepted by a publisher and some of them actually have a relationship with agents and publishers and may recommend your book.

Cornerstones https://www.cornerstones.co.uk/ is one of the leaders in the field. Check out also my Dream Team: http://www.gilljameswriter.com/p/my-dream-team.html Two other sites that may be helpful are:  https://reedsy.com/ and https://www.fiverr.com   My business partner Debz Brown also runs her own editorial service: https://debzhobbs-wyatt.co.uk/       

 

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