Hell had no fury like a woman scorned[GJ1] .
Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned[GJ3]
I knew a tale [GJ4] like an incident of yesterday
True life story relevant for the man of today
It's the story of a bruised and battered [GJ5] woman
Who's [GJ6] fury passed the rubicon of rectitude
Peerless was her beauty in her days of yore [GJ7]
Men and suitors her comeliness adore
Her tree resplendent with attractive juicy fruits
Her green leaves adorned with inviting flowers [GJ8]
Then came he and his desire
Attracted by love and with a name Josiah
Secured her hand and vowed to protect her attire
Then marital bliss began in a home decorated with sapphire[GJ9]
Suddenly the sweet bell stopped ringing
The wine of love became sour[GJ10]
Desirous affection took a violent tour
On the scene emerged a strange being
Nocturnal return replaced early arrival[GJ11]
Frowned appearance displaced cheerful survival
Demands snowballed to unavoidable altercations
Arguments resulted into physical confrontations
Violent clashes of pains and bruises
Left[GJ12] her soul depressed on crutches
And since his leopard refused to change it's[GJ13] skin
She sent into space her voice of anguish with keen
Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned
In her hot displeasure of his inflicted afflictions[GJ14]
She stripped and voiced with vigorous vituperations [GJ15]
'You shall be humbled by misery and penury,
'For these protracted marks of inflicted [GJ16] injury!'
And soon her curse began to manifest
With loss of business and a successful enterprise
Josiah's lion became a lousy rat seeking assistance
His sustenance came crashing before his countenance[GJ17] .
'The eyes' problem is the nose's', says a maxim in my place
Her chicken came home to roost
Then with a remorseful heart, she prayed for a change
But like a leech, the situation remained unchanged[GJ18]
There was no alteration in their condition
Even when she pleaded unclad in complete restitution
Then like the first man and his wife, they started life[GJ19] anew
The past was forgotten and their vow renewed[GJ20]
So son, have you been bound to a wife?
Break not her heart and her dignity do not sell
For the woman's heart is tender with life
But her fury is hotter than the fire of hell[GJ21]
General comments
On the whole this poem has an interesting meter and some pleasant sounds in the words. I worry that there is little punctuation and some overuse of clever words.
Take care about those extra spaces. They look unprofessional.
We need more story here. What were the confrontations about? How did hey concretely affect the business? How did the reconciliation take place? And most importantly: what did the ‘wrath’ look like?
A brave attempt in any case.
[GJ1]Good to twist to a well-known saying. “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned” originates from the William Congreve play, “The Mourning Bride,” published in 1697. A line in the play reads as follows. “Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned, nor hell a fury like a woman scorned.”
[GJ2]Short sharp line begs the reader’s attention.
[GJ3]And here is the famous phrase itself. Should it have correct punctuation?
[GJ4]Extra space added here. Take care with this.
[GJ5]Good use of alliteration.
[GJ6]‘whose’ surely?
[GJ7]Somewhat clichéd?
[GJ8]Sexual references? Again, a little clichéd?
[GJ9]The rhymes seem a little forced here.
[GJ10]A dramatic turn here.
[GJ11]We have to pause a moment to work out what this may mean but that may not be a bad thing.
[GJ12]Extra space here again. Take care with this.
[GJ13]its
[GJ14]There is some repetition here.
[GJ15]Alliteration again and this is effective but the meaning of the word is rather obscure. Many readers will not know this word.
[GJ16]Repetition again
[GJ17]So, her behaviour undermined his business?
[GJ18]Not completely clear whose fault this all was.
[GJ19]Double space again – take care
[GJ20]Phew! Thank goodness.
[GJ21]Good advice?
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